All For One
Life brings about many transitions as people grow and people grow as life changes. My family shared an experience that, in a sense, wove the realization into us that we need to make the best we can out of what we have and the time we spend together. We didn't realize how much something meant to us until it was gone. "Pain and separation occur when we regret the past or worry about the future. Here and now is ecstacy(Dass)."During my sophomore year of high school, one phone call changed the lifestyle of my entire family. I picked up the phone at about 3:00am only to hear the voice of my grandma screaming in shear agony, "There is something wrong with Eddy. Call 911!" Eddy was my grandpa, of course. Grandma was in such distress that she had been dialing 335-911. Technically, Grandpa died that night of a heart attack and from then on, everything changed.
At first, Grandma would not leave her house, although she was getting older and could not very well take care of herself. Undesirably, we moved in with Grandma in her tiny trailer for one year until a new house big enough for all 5 of us to live in comfortably was built. All 5 of us included my father the decision maker, my mother the peacemaker, my sister college bound, myself the typical teenager, and Grandma. The transition period was extremely difficult. Grandma loathed the idea of leaving her home, and my family was not thrilled about leaving ours either. However, it was the best for everyone.
As time progressed, Grandma’s health worsened. She turned from a fragile, content, elderly woman to an ill, weak, heartbroken widow. She needed a lot of care and my family did not have the heart to put her in a nursing home. The famous line, "Why don’t you just kill me now?" always arose when the idea was brushed past her ears. Grandma’s greatest fear was to be alone. She was afraid to die and she was dying of heartache.
It became obvious as we repeatedly went through the motions of each passing day that my family couldn't make Grandma happy. We didn't neglect her. We did what we could, but we had other pieces of our lives we just couldn't ignore. My parents worked, Lacey, my sister, worked and had just started college, and I was hassle enough to put up with being a teenager in high school. Nothing would have made Grandma happy unless it was seeing Eddy, of course, but she always needed someone there. Every time someone put their shoes on it was, "Where are you going?" or, "You’re leaving again?" In the middle of the night I remember Grandma tip toeing into my room and yelling in a whisper, "Lindsey, are you there?" She knew, but her fear
just kept growing stronger.
With Grandma’s health being the way it was, inconvenience was the last thing on my family’s mind, but the first thing on hers. However, our lifestyles were completely rearranged after the move and she could feel it. The tension in the household was so thick, it could be cut into slices. Dad wanted to spend time with mom alone. Grandma needed mom physically and emotionally. Dad would sit in the downstairs living room. Grandma would sit in the upstairs one, but that was mainly because she had a hard time getting up and down the stairs. Mom was torn between the two. She felt as though it was her duty to sit with my father. According to her wedding vowels, the husband was supposed to come first. He would stare into my mother’s soul relentlessly, but sadly, saying, "I feel like I come second in your life." I will never forget the heartfelt look in my mothers eyes during a discussion we were once having when she managed to mumble out the words through tears, "It’s so hard to please everyone."
Lacey and I would sit with Grandma upstairs when we were home to keep her company and take the pressure off of my mom, which wasn't often. Dad wanted his wife to himself. He was stubborn, but it was hard on him too so we had to understand. Grandma became lonelier and lonelier as she felt she was coming between my father and mother because she needed so much attention. To this day mom feels guilty. It is though she feels she could have gave so much more to Grandma, but I know she couldn’t. No one could have gave as much as she did through working third shift and coming home to a never ending job of housework and trying to make everyone happy. Having a physically dependent person move into a home that has been unchanged for 18 years is so much more complicated than one can expect. Know one knows what such a situation can bring until it hits them between the eyes.
Grandma died last summer. The death certificate stated that the cause was pneumonia, heart failure, and a number of other things, but my family has come to believe it was heartache. We all wish we had did some things differently, gave her more time, maybe complained less, or even sat with her on the couch just a few more minutes. We realize now, we did what we knew at that moment in time and she is grateful for it. She loves us and knows that we love her. We should not regret the past or worry about what is to come. Grandma understands what she meant to us and now she is happier than ever, in no pain, with the love of her life.
posted by Lindsey @ 4:46 PM
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